Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn’t?
A. A navel.

Q. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?
A. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won’t call you a week later.

Q. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?
A. Because he didn’t want anyone telling him how to make Adam.

Q. What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A. “How do you breath through something so small?”

Q. Why don’t women wear watches?
A. There’s a clock on the stove!

Q. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?
A. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A. Why are you shaking she’s going to eat me.

Q. What’s the difference between love and herpes?
A. Love doesn’t last forever.

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
A. Call her and tell her.

Q. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn’t report it.
A. The thief was spending less then his wife.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?
A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

Q. What’s the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.

Q. Why haven’t they sent a woman to the moon yet?
A. It doesn’t need cleaning.

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q. What’s white, smells, and can be found in panties?
A. Clitty litter

Q. I married Miss Right.
A. I just didn’t know her first name was “Always.”

Q. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
A. When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Q. How do you know when your cat’s done cleaning himself?
A. He’s smoking a cigarette.

Q. Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
A. He worked it out with a pencil.

Q. Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
A. The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.

Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving

Q. Why do schools in West Virginia only have Drivers Ed two days a week?
A. Because they need their cars for Sex Ed the other three days a week!

Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”

Q. What is the cheapest meat?
A. Deer balls, there under a buck.

Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.

Q. What’s in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
A. The captains log.

Q. What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?
A. A lesbian with a hard-on.

Q. What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q. Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
A. They’re called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!

Q. What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.

Wow it’s been a busy week on Sexmeup with so many new sexy ladies joining!

Whatever you’re looking for, whether it’s sexy chat, no-strings fun or one night of hot passion, you’re bound to find your perfect playmate on Sexmeup.

We’ve hand-picked a selection of our newest hot ladies from all over the UK, including our favourite‘Member Of The Week’, to give you a taster of who’s available on the site.

Introducing our “Member of the Week”…Dia.

Describe yourself: I am a horny, smart, Indian girl. I am married and therefore experienced I am a very adventurous person, love partying and after a few glasses of wine all I want to do is suck a cock!

Looking for: I am just looking for a bit of fun to spice up my life. I don’t fancy any of that one-nightstand things and I am not a bed hopper. I want a full-fledged affair with someone whom I can give some pleasure to and with whom I can have a bit of a laugh and some fun.

Favourite position: Doggy style.

Just a few other women that have joined Sexmeup in the last few hours

More about the member:

A short overview of the member is now presented at the top of the page, detailing their name, age, location, what they’re looking for, their distance from you and whether they’re online or not.

Status Commenting & Instant Requests:

When a member updates their status with something interesting you can now send a comment.

Another new feature is sending instant requests for more details, such as more photos or further profile text.

Similar or Random Members:

View similar members to the profile you are viewing within the profile page, providing a quick and easy way to browse through members.

Can’t find the right person? Try the new random member button that automatically generates another member from the database that may be of interest.

More Information & Clearer Layout:

We’ve added even more info about the member into the profile page. Diaries, photos and videos are all available and visible. There are larger, more prominent action buttons and even with all the information we’ve added, a cleaner, clearer layout has been implemented.

Popular Actions & Inline Messaging:

We’ve moved popular actions such as ‘Send a Message’, ‘Send a Wink’ and ‘Add To Favourites’ into more prominent, clearer locations.

A prompt box also highlights information that may be useful for the member. Does the member live nearby? Have they viewed the profile several times? Once actions have been performed, Inline messaging then takes this position. From here, you can have an in-depth conversation with someone you like and send or reply to messages right from this box.

Im sure you will all agree We are working hard to make your life easier….Enjoy

Whatever you’re looking for, whether it’s sexy chat, no-strings fun or one night of hot passion, you’re bound to find your perfect playmate on Sexmeup.co.uk…

We’ve hand-picked a selection of our newest hot ladies from all over the UK, including our favourite ‘Member Of The Week‘, to give you a taster of who’s available on the site.

Enjoy!

Introducing Louise…..

Describe yourself: I would describe myself as attractive, average build, large boobs.

What brings you here? Looking for someone who is fit, sexy, not full of themselves and knows how to satisfy a woman.

And in the bedroom? Giving and receiving oral, Mutual play.

Message for the men: Looking for someone who will woo me as well as f*ck me.

Whatever you’re looking for, whether it’s sexy chat, no-strings fun or one night of hot passion, you’re bound to find your perfect playmate on Sexmeup.co.uk…

We’ve hand-picked a selection of our newest hot ladies from all over the UK, including our favourite ‘Member Of The Week‘, to give you a taster of who’s available on the site.

Enjoy!

Introducing Jaydenn…..

Describe yourself: Hi I am Jayden I am looking for some sexy men out there!!

What brings you here? Its a big turn on if your married because I love doing things I know I shouldn’t I suppose I am a bit of a naughty girl!!.

And in the bedroom? Giving oral, rimming, voyeurism, cross dressing, role playing

Message for the men: I don’t mind sneeking around behind the wifes back so if you want some naughty fun message me!! would love to meet up and take things a bit further .

If you want to meet other Members like Jaydenn then login now at Sexmeup We have new women join everyday.

Here are some more that joined Sexmeup.

Whatever you’re looking for, whether it’s sexy chat, no-strings fun or one night of hot passion, you’re bound to find your perfect playmate on Sexmeup.co.uk…

We’ve hand-picked a selection of our newest hot ladies from all over the UK, including our favourite ‘Member Of The Week‘, to give you a taster of who’s available on the site.

Enjoy!

Introducing Jacqueline…

Describe yourself: Brunette with blue eyes, I’m 5´9” tall and my measurements are 34dd-27-31… and I’m fully shaved.

What brings you here? I need a firm hand and to be controlled and trained.

What do you like in a man? I love guys that know how to use a girl like me.

Hobbies: Swimming, sunbathing, clubbing and drinking.

Any naughty hobbies? Rude and dirty sex, adult movies, dogging, oral, rimming, anal.

Favourite position: Doggy style.

If you want to meet other Members like Jacqueline then login now at Sexmeup We have new women join everyday.

Here are some more that joined Sexmeup.

Over the last few months many of our clients have called our friendly staff in Windsor to discuss their membership and also help and advice on using the site.  We then collated all the feedback from our loyal members and teamed up with Ansta.co.uk to design a new site to incorporate all your requirements. What you wanted to see was the following

• Clearer navigation of the site
• Increase the number of ways you can search for people
• Advice section
• Clearer blog
• More users in certain areas
• Destroy the scammers

So what did we do?

Clearer navigation of the site: We made the site clearer with larger buttons with a rollover function that highlights the section as you navigate over the tab. All sections are in neat block sections to help find what you’re looking for.

Increase the number of ways you can search for people: We have now placed a filter search where you can search by

Age, Distance, Height, Type of relationship,  If a member plays safe, Hair length, Hair colour, Sexual interests,  Ethnic origin, Favourite position, if they are Pierced and also if they are Shaved in the genital department. We also have tick boxes to filter if members have photos or if they are online to chat. There is now no excuse that you can’t find your ideal sex partner.

Advice section: In the next few weeks there will be an advice section where we will list questions that have come from our members of concerns or worries they have in life and we will try our best to answer them. We will have a section that recommends certain services

Destroy the scammers: This was our largest project and a great success, our office have spent over £1Million in tackling this problem. We now employ 23 members of staff that spend hours checking each and every profile that appears on our site, and when they find one that shouldn’t be there they get deleted. This is always a problem for any dating site and as these lowlifes become sneakier we become more aggressive and attack their new tricks, but we can’t do this on our own. We need your help to keep on top of this and if you ever come across a member that shouldn’t be there then call our office and report them ASAP and we will deal with them.

So Today was the launch of the new improved website which as you will see is much clearer to navigate and we haven’t finished yet. Over the next few weeks you will see a few more changes including a testimonial page from our past members that have found love using Sexmeup.

Ever wanted to get inside the mind of a woman and find out what she really wants? What she’s really looking for? Here at Sexmeup.co.uk, we could have the answer to your prayers!

We asked our sexy females what they like to see and what gets them going, and we’re pleased to reveal our survey results to you, to help you get closer to our girls and boost your chances of hot action. You don’t want to miss this!

1. Start slowly

Watch out for anyone who seems too good to be true. Begin by communicating solely via Sexmeup.co.uk, and look for odd behaviour or inconsistencies. The person at the other end may not be who or what he or she says they are. Trust your instincts. If anything makes you uncomfortable, walk away for your own safety and protection.

2. Guard your anonymity

Careful, thoughtful decisions generally produce better results. Take all the time you need to convince yourself that they are a trustworthy person and pay careful attention along the way. If you suspect someone is lying, he or she probably is, so act accordingly. Be responsible about romance or casual sex, and don’t fall in love at the click of a mouse. Don’t become prematurely intimate with someone, even if only online. If you mutually decide to cross the point of no return, be smart and protect yourself.

3. Use caution and common sense

Careful, thoughtful decisions generally produce better results. Take all the time you need to convince yourself that they are a trustworthy person and pay careful attention along the way. If you suspect someone is lying, he or she probably is, so act accordingly. Be responsible about romance, and don’t fall in love at the click of a mouse. Don’t become prematurely intimate with someone, even if only adult. If you mutually decide to cross the point of no return, be smart and protect yourself.

4. Ask for a photo

A photo will give you a good idea of the person’s appearance, which can be helpful in forming a “gut feeling”. If possible, try to see several images of someone in various settings – casual, formal, indoors and outdoors etc. If all you hear are excuses about why you can’t see a photo, consider that he or she has something to hide.

5. Chat on the phone

A phone call can reveal a lot about a person’s communication and social skills. Consider your security and don’t reveal your personal phone number to a stranger. Try a mobile phone number instead or use 141 to prevent your phone number from being transmitted. Only give out your phone number when you feel completely comfortable..

6. Meet when you’re ready

The beauty of meeting and getting to know each other online is that you can collect information gradually, later choosing whether to pursue the relationship in the offline world. You are never obliged to meet anyone, regardless of your level of intimacy. And even if you do decide to meet, you can always change your mind. It’s possible that your decision to keep the relationship at the anonymous level is based on a hunch that you can’t logically explain. Trust yourself and go with your instincts.

7. Watch for warning signs
Pay attention to displays of anger, intense frustration or attempts to pressure or control you. Acting in a passive-aggressive manner, making demeaning or disrespectful comments or any physically inappropriate behaviour are all warning signs. You should be concerned if your date exhibits any of the following behaviour without an acceptable explanation:

• Gives inconsistent information about age, interests, appearance, marital status, profession, employment, etc.
• Refuses to speak to you on the phone after establishing ongoing, adult intimacy or fails to give direct answers to direct questions.
• Appears significantly different in person from his or her online persona or never introduces you to friends, colleagues or family members.

8. Meet somewhere safe

When you choose to meet offline, always tell a friend where you are going and when you will return. Leave your date’s name and telephone number with your friend. Never arrange for your date to pick you up at home. Provide your own transportation, meet in a public place at a time when there will be plenty of people around, and when the date is over, leave on your own. A familiar restaurant or café, at a time when a lot of other people will be present, is often a good choice. If you decide to move to another location, take your own car. When the timing is appropriate, thank your date for getting together and say goodbye.

9. Use extra caution in new places

If you are arriving from another part of the country, arrange your own transport and hotel room and don’t disclose the name of your hotel. Call your date from the hotel or meet at an agreed location. If the location seems inappropriate or unsafe, go back to your hotel. Try to contact your date at that location or leave a message on their answer phone. Always make sure a friend or family member knows your plans and has your contact information. And if possible, carry a mobile phone at all times.

10. Always have a ‘follow-on’ plan

Never do anything you feel unsure about. If you are in any way afraid of your date, use your best judgment to diffuse the situation and leave as quickly as possible. Excuse yourself long enough to call a friend for advice, ask someone else at the scene for help or slip out the back door and drive away. If you feel you’re in danger, call the police; it’s always better to be safe than sorry.  Never worry or feel embarrassed about your behaviour; your safety is much more important than one person’s opinion of you. All common sense really, but we hope these tips give you some guidance for enjoying safe dating!

We all like a bit of excitement in our lives, but sometimes getting it means playing by the rules. Here at sex me up there’s nothing more important to us than offering our Members a good time online.

We’ve listened to what you want (NO, not that!) and we’re committed to making sex me up a place you want to spend time and know what you’re getting.

Like surprises? Don’t we all, but sometimes we get a nasty shock too. We want to make sure that only likeminded people get to have fun on sex me up, so we’re going to be checking every new profile uploaded to make sure it meets the grade. If it doesn’t – you won’t be seeing it!

It’s not a one time thing either, every time a profile is changed or edited – we’ll be watching.

We all like attention, but we’re keen to make sure it’s the right sort of attention you’re getting. So we’re introducing First Message Approval on sex me up. All new Members will have their first message approved by us. This will help us weed out 99% of non-genuine Members who are up to no good.

We all use words to help us get what we want – and things are no different here on sex me up. But some people use them to deliberately mislead or misrepresent themselves to others. That’s not the sort of activity we want going on within our site. Our new system allows us to monitor profiles, messages and diaries for suspicious or inappropriate activity and put a stop to it!

If you’ve got any further questions about these new features or anything else regarding your membership on sex me up, please don’t hesitate to contact our friendly Customer Care Team. Simply drop them an e-mail atsupport@globalpersonals.co.uk with your query and they’ll get back to you within 24 hours. If it can’t wait that long, why not give them a ring on 01753 271286 between 9am and 5pm, 7 days a week.

Playing by the rules doesn’t have to mean taking the fun out of it!

The sex me up Team